Reading your experience and thoughts on friendships evoked many emotions for me. I've always had many, many friendships and worked hard to maintain them over the years, even while raising kids, navigating a tough divorce and many other of life's expected and unexpected experiences. It wasn't until I lost my only daughter in April of 2022 that my life and my perspective on it changed completely. I have come to realize on my long and lonely journey of grief that there are very few whom you can depend on to be there for you. I also realized that my so-called friends had essentially turned their backs on me because they didn't know HOW to deal with my sadness and my biggest AHA moment came when I realized that I had been the one working so hard all of those 30+ years to keep the friendships going. I have also moved many times in my life (originally reigning from London, UK) living in Europe and eventually settling in the USA where I've lived in various states for the past four decades (and still do not know where I belong)! Through all of my moves and all of the years, I was the one staying in contact with those women, and even though they commented on this fact, and we laughed about me being the 'Entertainment Chairperson' if it had not been for this, those friendships would have gone by the by a very long time ago. After losing my precious daughter I retreated from the world for many reasons; primarily I barely had the energy to take care of myself, let alone maintain relationships that were mostly one-sided. It was eye-opening, hurtful and hard to accept but there it was, the plain ugly truth staring straight back at me. When you lose someone close to you, and especially a child (Daina was not only my daughter, she was my best friend, my travel companion, my EVERYTHING) it puts life into a perspective and shines a light so brightly on what really matters and what does not, that you cannot ignore it. Losing my daughter has changed me in so many ways and writing has saved my sanity. I've always enjoyed reading and writing and among the many books and courses I have taken since losing my sweet girl I learned that this is where my passion lies. I took a book-writing course and I'm about 2/3 of the way through, although these past six months I've not written as much for the book; it's easy to allow life to distract you, and if I'm not feeling it there's not much to write about and so I decided to start building a Substack presence. It's been a slow process but I'm enjoying the journey so far, with still so much to learn, and this is when I came across your 'Summer Writing Sanctuary' Beth which spoke to my heart and I'm very much looking forward to joining your beautiful community in August.
But back to friendships, I made a decision that I was no longer going to be the one reaching out and making the effort if it's not reciprocated. The silence has been deafening and yet enlightening at the same time and honestly, I'm Ok with it now that I've taken the time to reflect and realize just what and WHOM is important enough for me to give my time, energy and presence to and it's very freeing! Looking forward to connecting with all of you beautiful souls on this journey together :)
I’ve always had small groups of friends that fade after a while. I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me, why don’t I have the 20+ years of groups of friends. I’ve always been jealous of the people who stay connected to their college friends. Then I realize my mom only has a few friends that she’s known for decades. And at this time I’m mourning the endings of two friendships that I’ve had for the last 12 years. We’re just different now and I’ve had new more connected friendships come into my life in the last year. It’s so beautiful how the universe brings people into our lives.
Reading all of the previous comments on this post, you’ve really hit on something so many of us are experiencing right now.
This is the first time I have read the words that are carried within me, the words that my mind speaks to me daily. Like you, I still wonder "is there something wrong with me?". Why do I struggle so much with making truly heartfelt connections? I, too, moved every 3-4 years as a child and teenager and every 8-10 years as an adult. Every new place I landed, I found people generally friendly but already belonging to their own comfortable little cliques that, although, friendly were not quite open to the idea of fully welcoming an "outsider". Your honest essay has given me hope. Hope that my tribe is out there and I simply need to be open and willing to follow the whispers. Thank you for so eloquently expressing the feelings and thoughts within my own heart and soul.
So beautiful and heartwarming. Reminding me that you're never too old to make new friends. I've been very fortunate over the years to make long-term friendships that I'm always grateful for, as it's way too easy to get too busy to keep up with others.
Cooee! I hear you! Reading this took me to tears of knowing how not alone I am. I don’t consider myself a writer, yet here I am, led here by my marvel of the writing of Beth Kempton and a yearning to understand myself better.
I graduated from the Equine Gestalt practitioner program of Melisa Pearce 4 years ago. The reason behind this work with the horses is to free people who have unfinished business deep within, help them release it in the sand of the round pen and move forward in their lives, unencumbered, open and with new awareness
I retired from my 38 year nursing career, my husband of 42 years and I moved to the coast with our horses and I have only done this work with clients twice. Both experiences were rewarding for me and according to my clients, life-changing. So why the heck do I allow my fears to paralyze me?
My thoughtful brain can and often does present to me a multitude of reasons I should not even consider doing this work- people will think I am weird, I am weird, I am a mess, I can’t explain how this process works, who do I think I am?, and on and on…
The wisdom and vulnerability of those who have been on this path and are still on this path- Beth, Holly, Frieda, and you- came knocking on my heart to alert me to what I have always known at some level- “you are not alone, what you are feeling is felt by countless others, don’t be afraid to be who you are, Cooee!”
Much gratitude and Grace to all who are treading this path!
Reading this wonderful post and the comments makes me realise that perhaps we aren't all as weird and alone as we are prone to believing!
Does the way the world is shaped and run get in the way of us forming or keeping these connections and find our fellow wierdos? Perhaps, but I can say confidently that your Mum was a wise lady Beth. She clearly understood the seasonality of life: something I'm only really beginning to 'get' in recent years after the most difficult and isolating time (and not just thanks to Covid).
Holly's wonderful musings on seeking connection and overcoming fear to write also resonated with me deeply, and feels very serendiptious as I (finally!) embark on my own writing journey after DECADES of procrastination.
May we all have the courage to shout 'Cooeeeee' more often and see what the replies are: a kindred spirit may just respond.
Thank you so much for writing this essay! I cried at your mother's advice.
I'm in the same phase where friendships are sparse because I have small children and I'm also a hermit, even though I love connecting to other people. Your post gave me hope that it's a phase and not a life sentence. Thank you🩷
All the moving gives you experience gives you stories to write about , lets you meet and see and connect with new people regularly , but I be can relate to the feelings of loneliness
Thank you for this wonderful essay. I went straight to Amazon and bought Holly’s first book, I’m so excited to read it. I can relate to all of this - I often feel like it is so hard to find friends in adulthood, and even if I try to make friends, no one else seems to return the effort. What you have written has helped me be okay with it and has given me permission to continue being myself no matter what. I have young kids right now so it’s especially hard, but it’s okay.
Just read this, whilst taking a break from editing.
I am so glad I'm not the only one. My friends I can count on one hand, two of which are my best friends. I am a solitary person by nature. I'm so use to doing things for myself and by myself. But I take a while to warm up to people and although I seem confident in my work life I can be very quiet when in a room of strangers. We women are very strange creatures we are either social butterflies with a cocktail in hand or little hermits who are happy in our pjs and mug of something hot watching trashy tv like MAFS.
Your mums words did strike a cord, we have different friends throughout our lives and for different things. Your mum, Beth, was very wise.
I resonate with this. Friends change as we move through life. At school and college it tended to be a group and that continued in the workplace though there were always one or two that were closer than the others. When children come along you tend to be friendly with other mothers attending the same playgroups or sports activities. Now later in life I have 2 couples that I meet with regularly in my local town that I’ve known for years and other friends all around the country that I have got to know through shared interests. WhatsApp is great for sharing with these long distance friends what I’m painting, photographing or sitting with a cuppa for an hour supporting each other, having a giggle and putting the world to rights
Reading your experience and thoughts on friendships evoked many emotions for me. I've always had many, many friendships and worked hard to maintain them over the years, even while raising kids, navigating a tough divorce and many other of life's expected and unexpected experiences. It wasn't until I lost my only daughter in April of 2022 that my life and my perspective on it changed completely. I have come to realize on my long and lonely journey of grief that there are very few whom you can depend on to be there for you. I also realized that my so-called friends had essentially turned their backs on me because they didn't know HOW to deal with my sadness and my biggest AHA moment came when I realized that I had been the one working so hard all of those 30+ years to keep the friendships going. I have also moved many times in my life (originally reigning from London, UK) living in Europe and eventually settling in the USA where I've lived in various states for the past four decades (and still do not know where I belong)! Through all of my moves and all of the years, I was the one staying in contact with those women, and even though they commented on this fact, and we laughed about me being the 'Entertainment Chairperson' if it had not been for this, those friendships would have gone by the by a very long time ago. After losing my precious daughter I retreated from the world for many reasons; primarily I barely had the energy to take care of myself, let alone maintain relationships that were mostly one-sided. It was eye-opening, hurtful and hard to accept but there it was, the plain ugly truth staring straight back at me. When you lose someone close to you, and especially a child (Daina was not only my daughter, she was my best friend, my travel companion, my EVERYTHING) it puts life into a perspective and shines a light so brightly on what really matters and what does not, that you cannot ignore it. Losing my daughter has changed me in so many ways and writing has saved my sanity. I've always enjoyed reading and writing and among the many books and courses I have taken since losing my sweet girl I learned that this is where my passion lies. I took a book-writing course and I'm about 2/3 of the way through, although these past six months I've not written as much for the book; it's easy to allow life to distract you, and if I'm not feeling it there's not much to write about and so I decided to start building a Substack presence. It's been a slow process but I'm enjoying the journey so far, with still so much to learn, and this is when I came across your 'Summer Writing Sanctuary' Beth which spoke to my heart and I'm very much looking forward to joining your beautiful community in August.
But back to friendships, I made a decision that I was no longer going to be the one reaching out and making the effort if it's not reciprocated. The silence has been deafening and yet enlightening at the same time and honestly, I'm Ok with it now that I've taken the time to reflect and realize just what and WHOM is important enough for me to give my time, energy and presence to and it's very freeing! Looking forward to connecting with all of you beautiful souls on this journey together :)
I’ve always had small groups of friends that fade after a while. I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me, why don’t I have the 20+ years of groups of friends. I’ve always been jealous of the people who stay connected to their college friends. Then I realize my mom only has a few friends that she’s known for decades. And at this time I’m mourning the endings of two friendships that I’ve had for the last 12 years. We’re just different now and I’ve had new more connected friendships come into my life in the last year. It’s so beautiful how the universe brings people into our lives.
Reading all of the previous comments on this post, you’ve really hit on something so many of us are experiencing right now.
This is the first time I have read the words that are carried within me, the words that my mind speaks to me daily. Like you, I still wonder "is there something wrong with me?". Why do I struggle so much with making truly heartfelt connections? I, too, moved every 3-4 years as a child and teenager and every 8-10 years as an adult. Every new place I landed, I found people generally friendly but already belonging to their own comfortable little cliques that, although, friendly were not quite open to the idea of fully welcoming an "outsider". Your honest essay has given me hope. Hope that my tribe is out there and I simply need to be open and willing to follow the whispers. Thank you for so eloquently expressing the feelings and thoughts within my own heart and soul.
Thank you for sharing Holly's words (and Frida's). They help me feel I can with ADHD put together my essays and it may be a Cooee to someone(s).
So beautiful and heartwarming. Reminding me that you're never too old to make new friends. I've been very fortunate over the years to make long-term friendships that I'm always grateful for, as it's way too easy to get too busy to keep up with others.
Thank you for your beautiful post.
Cooee! I hear you! Reading this took me to tears of knowing how not alone I am. I don’t consider myself a writer, yet here I am, led here by my marvel of the writing of Beth Kempton and a yearning to understand myself better.
I graduated from the Equine Gestalt practitioner program of Melisa Pearce 4 years ago. The reason behind this work with the horses is to free people who have unfinished business deep within, help them release it in the sand of the round pen and move forward in their lives, unencumbered, open and with new awareness
I retired from my 38 year nursing career, my husband of 42 years and I moved to the coast with our horses and I have only done this work with clients twice. Both experiences were rewarding for me and according to my clients, life-changing. So why the heck do I allow my fears to paralyze me?
My thoughtful brain can and often does present to me a multitude of reasons I should not even consider doing this work- people will think I am weird, I am weird, I am a mess, I can’t explain how this process works, who do I think I am?, and on and on…
The wisdom and vulnerability of those who have been on this path and are still on this path- Beth, Holly, Frieda, and you- came knocking on my heart to alert me to what I have always known at some level- “you are not alone, what you are feeling is felt by countless others, don’t be afraid to be who you are, Cooee!”
Much gratitude and Grace to all who are treading this path!
I Love You. There I said it.
Reading this wonderful post and the comments makes me realise that perhaps we aren't all as weird and alone as we are prone to believing!
Does the way the world is shaped and run get in the way of us forming or keeping these connections and find our fellow wierdos? Perhaps, but I can say confidently that your Mum was a wise lady Beth. She clearly understood the seasonality of life: something I'm only really beginning to 'get' in recent years after the most difficult and isolating time (and not just thanks to Covid).
Holly's wonderful musings on seeking connection and overcoming fear to write also resonated with me deeply, and feels very serendiptious as I (finally!) embark on my own writing journey after DECADES of procrastination.
May we all have the courage to shout 'Cooeeeee' more often and see what the replies are: a kindred spirit may just respond.
a really moving piece, thank you both. I feel the same about friendship. I am glad to see you found each other.
Thank you so much for writing this essay! I cried at your mother's advice.
I'm in the same phase where friendships are sparse because I have small children and I'm also a hermit, even though I love connecting to other people. Your post gave me hope that it's a phase and not a life sentence. Thank you🩷
All the moving gives you experience gives you stories to write about , lets you meet and see and connect with new people regularly , but I be can relate to the feelings of loneliness
Thank you for this wonderful essay. I went straight to Amazon and bought Holly’s first book, I’m so excited to read it. I can relate to all of this - I often feel like it is so hard to find friends in adulthood, and even if I try to make friends, no one else seems to return the effort. What you have written has helped me be okay with it and has given me permission to continue being myself no matter what. I have young kids right now so it’s especially hard, but it’s okay.
Just read this, whilst taking a break from editing.
I am so glad I'm not the only one. My friends I can count on one hand, two of which are my best friends. I am a solitary person by nature. I'm so use to doing things for myself and by myself. But I take a while to warm up to people and although I seem confident in my work life I can be very quiet when in a room of strangers. We women are very strange creatures we are either social butterflies with a cocktail in hand or little hermits who are happy in our pjs and mug of something hot watching trashy tv like MAFS.
Your mums words did strike a cord, we have different friends throughout our lives and for different things. Your mum, Beth, was very wise.
You have many Hollys in your life- I love that!
I resonate with this. Friends change as we move through life. At school and college it tended to be a group and that continued in the workplace though there were always one or two that were closer than the others. When children come along you tend to be friendly with other mothers attending the same playgroups or sports activities. Now later in life I have 2 couples that I meet with regularly in my local town that I’ve known for years and other friends all around the country that I have got to know through shared interests. WhatsApp is great for sharing with these long distance friends what I’m painting, photographing or sitting with a cuppa for an hour supporting each other, having a giggle and putting the world to rights
This is so good. Friendship and connection are so totally vital to a good life. Thank you 💚